Trust
by Jellie789
Summary: Amanda puts her trust in Olivia to help sort through some difficult thoughts, feelings and self-doubts. One shot, post Season 20 Part 33.


A/N: I know one of my other fics is around the episode Part 33, but I think (hope) this is different enough from that, and not repetitive. There was just so much potential for more in that episode that I wish the show had explored.

Olivia's footsteps were heavy as she descended the steps of the courthouse. Her heeled boots clunked with each slow impact, and she wondered if her legs were turning slowly to stone. Peter had inevitably called her up as a rebuttal witness to try to salvage the shit show that had been Annabeth Pearl's trial. She had testified honestly and factually, so why she was riddled with guilt, she could not say. She reminded herself of Amanda's words: _this isn't freshman English; we don't have to read between the lines…_

"Amanda?" Olivia squinted to focus on the woman standing at the bottom of the stairs. As she got closer, Olivia saw her colleague shuffling on the spot, nudging a discarded bottle top on the ground with her booted toe. Amanda's head snapped up at the sound of her name, "What're you still doing here?" Olivia asked, as she stepped off the bottom step and the slightly shorter woman shrugged.

"I was waiting for you…after earlier, I just wanted to check in with you, see if you're ok?" Amanda met her eyes and seemed the study the depths of Olivia's, as if she could find the answer to her question within them.

"You didn't have to do that," Olivia said, and she continued walking down the sidewalk. Amanda fell into stride beside her.

"I know," Amanda answered, "But I'd have worried about you all night if I hadn't."

Olivia stopped. Amanda took another step before she realised, and then she stopped too, spinning on her heel to face Olivia; the gentle breeze in the air blew strands of her blonde hair across her eyes. Amanda swiped it back with gloved fingers and tucked the soft wave behind her ear. Olivia straddled the fence on whether or not she was surprised by Amanda's concern, or specifically, that it was directed at her. As Amanda had stated earlier, empathy was coming out of her ears and whilst she had borne witness to Amanda's caring side more than once – her heartbreak over Esther Labott, and her maternal protectiveness over Gabriella Sosa to name but a few occasions- historically she had mostly butted heads with Amanda. So, after their heated conversation of that afternoon, Olivia was more than a bit surprised to find Amanda was not actively avoiding her for a little space.

"What?" Amanda asked, when after a few seconds Olivia still had not spoken.

Olivia should have told Amanda not to worry, that she was fine, to go home to Jesse and Billie. Because she was fine – exhausted, but fine. The trail was what it was, and she would undoubtedly replay the should have/would have/could haves of it for a few days, but ultimately it would be eclipsed by whatever case came next, which would demand all – if not more – of the energy and attention she had. If Amanda was referring to what Olivia had said about Lewis, well, she was fine about that, too. As fine as she would ever be. The terror, the anxiety…it came it waves, intense bursts that burnt themselves out after a little while. She was used to it now.

But something held Olivia back. It could have been Amanda's unexpected anxiety for her well-being, or something more. It was hard to tell. Something all her years as a detective had taught her was that most people, given half a chance, were open books. For all the complexity of humanity, she found the thing that motivated people most was a need to be heard. And Olivia was an excellent listener. But Amanda Rollins had actively pushed her away and shut her out, and whilst ever so slowly Olivia had learnt the details of her colleagues life – details Amanda had defended for years until they had spilled out: growing up in an abusive home, being raped by a superior officer – she still found Amanda closed down around her.

Sometimes, Olivia wondered if her less than warm reception eight years ago had done lasting, irrevocable damage. Over the years since, she had tried to compensate, to befriend Amanda. She had confided in her more and more in recent months, but Amanda never reciprocated; she always held back until one day, almost nonchalantly over her lunch time salad, she had dropped into conversation how her father had once smashed a vase over her mother. Cut to today, it was the first time Olivia had seen Amanda lose control over her own distress, her own childhood fears that still haunted her. Sure, she had seen Amanda emotional enough times. Breaking the news that Amanda had shot the bullet that had taken the life of Esther Labott had been pretty harrowing for all involved. But she had (very closely) watched Amanda throughout the trial of Charles Patton, the man who had raped her, and never seen the woman waver for a second; never saw her so much as well up a single tear or look away.

And, if she was to take that as a barometer of Amanda's emotional resilience, then maybe after today it was her who should be worried for Amanda, and not the other way around.

"Why're you staring at me?" Amanda tilted her head in confusion.

Maybe this was Amanda reaching out to her, under the guise of concern for Olivia. And it was so subtle, she could almost have missed it.

"C'mon," Olivia said, and as she started to walk again, she nudged Amanda's elbow in encouragement to come with her, "Let's grab a coffee."

xxxxxxx

"Didn't we end up catching a case last time we were here?" Amanda asked, as she dropped her beige coat over the arm of one of the plush couches at the back of the coffee house.

Of course, Olivia remembered, she had brought Amanda here once before, after her time off following Patton's trial. She had hoped Amanda might have confided in her then, but it had been all pleasantries and apologies and then as they were leaving, they stumbled across a woman screaming she had just been attacked.

"Why do you think we're not sitting in the window this time?" Olivia quipped, "Anything happens, we pretend we aren't cops, ok?"

Amanda laughed softly at Olivia's attempt at humour, but it was a faked effort and Olivia could tell.

"Thank you for checking up on me," Olivia said a short while later, as they were served their drinks by the barrista, "I appreciate it, but I'm ok – honestly, I am," she added, when Amanda raised her eyebrows sceptically. She took a sip of her hot coffee, "I'm more concerned for you," Olivia said carefully placing her drink down on the table, making sure she was looking at Amanda's face as she spoke to accurately judge the other woman's response.

"Why would you be concerned for me?" Amanda asked, but her tone of voice did not indicate surprise, and Olivia guessed maybe they would have to go through the motions of Amanda pretending to be fine – probably through sheer habit on Amanda's part – before she may (or may not) pluck up the courage to admit otherwise.

"You got a bit upset earlier," Olivia watched as Amanda nervously avoided her eye and fiddled with the small button on the cuff of her yellow shirt, "I think maybe it's playing on your mind a little?" Olivia suggested.

Amanda placed her coffee down on the table beside Olivia's, "I'm sorry I shouted at you," she said, her voice low.

Olivia laughed softly, "We all did a lot of shouting this afternoon, Amanda, if that's what's bothering you then let it go," after a second, Olivia was serious again, "I don't think that is what's bothering you though, is it?" she queried.

Amanda shook her head.

Olivia tilted her head to one side, hoped the movement would be caught in Amanda's peripheral vision and encourage her to meet her eye. It didn't.

"So…you admit, something _is _bothering you?" Olivia probed.

Amanda turned to look at her then, and Olivia noticed her eyes were red. She couldn't judge if it was caused by fatigue, or if Amanda might be about to burst into tears. Hesitantly, Amanda nodded her head.

"Ok," Olivia nodded back, aware she needed to tread carefully as the risk Amanda would clam up on her if she did not handle this right was high, "Thank you for telling me that," Olivia winced a little when she realised she sounded like she might be talking to Noah, rather than another adult. But maybe that was what Amanda needed, a little bit of praise and encouragement. It was something Olivia doubted Amanda was ever given as a child in order to share her feelings, and if she hadn't learnt it then, Olivia couldn't really blame Amanda for struggling to express herself now. "Do you want to tell me what it is?" Olivia asked quietly, and at the same time Amanda looked away from her again, returning her attention to the button on her sleeve once more.

"How you looked at me," Amanda mumbled, her voice awash with shame.

Olivia's brow creased with confusion, and she mentally scanned back over the recent past to try to remember what look specifically Amanda might be referring to. But she was clueless.

"How I looked at you?" Olivia clarified, "When? How?" she asked, when Amanda nodded once more in confirmation.

Amanda took a deep, shuddering breath, as if she was trying to muster the courage to continue to speak.

"At the court house…before we testified," she said, her voice a little stronger now, "I was talking about my parents…I shouted at you, that you didn't know…and…" Amanda trailed off when she pulled the button off her shirt completely. She rolled it between her thumb and index finger a few times before placing it down on the table beside their drinks. Amanda looked at her again, tears brimming in her eyes now, "And you looked at me, just for a second – this look just flashed across your face," Amanda shook her head and quickly swiped at the tears that spilled down her cheeks, "I guess it was pity…or…or…I dunno," she gave up and threw her hands in the air with exasperation at not being able to explain herself.

"Amanda," Olivia shuffled a little closer to her on the couch they were sharing, "I am sorry- whatever I did- however I looked at you…" Olivia trailed off this time, and sighed wearily before changing her approach, "What's so wrong with that, Amanda?" she tried to keep her voice neutral, didn't want to give Amanda any excuse to go on the defensive, "What's wrong with me having sympathy for you, for enduring what frankly sounds like a horrific childhood? I care about you a lot, and hearing what you were saying, seeing you hurting so much broke my heart," Olivia's voice hitched a little on her last word, as her own emotions threatened to get the better of her. It was enough to tip Amanda over the edge though, and she bowed her head, overcome with quiet sobs which only tugged Olivia's heart strings harder the more she tried to suppress them, and her shoulders quaked with the effort.

"Hey," Olivia whispered, soothingly. She put her arm around the other woman's back and pulled her close. While Amanda did not lean into Olivia's hug, she didn't pull away or shrug off the contact either, so Olivia stayed as they were and hoped that she was providing a little comfort to the distraught woman.

"I feel like everyone is staring at me, Liv," Amanda said, in between small sniffles. Olivia pushed herself forwards a little on the couch to hide Amanda as best she could from the view of the rest of the coffee shop. She also gave a quick glance upwards, scanning the sea of other patrons, most of whom were unaware of the crying woman in the corner and were busy sipping their drinks and chatting to one another.

"No one is staring at you, sweetheart," Olivia whispered, and she tucked Amanda's hair behind her ear so she could see her face, "No one is looking," she repeated for reassurance, "Just take as much time as you need," Olivia offered, although in the back of her mind she was aware she might not have as long as Amanda needed; she needed to get home to Noah at some point this evening. But she had a bit longer, she reasoned. Lucy was very forgiving.

"I'm so ashamed," Amanda mumbled, tears still falling.

"Why?" Olivia smoothed her hand over Amanda's hair again, and watched her blink heavily to clear more tears from her eyes.

"I told you earlier I respect you more than anyone I've ever met in my life," Amanda sniffed, "Then I opened my big mouth and said all that stupid stuff about how I feel about my mom-"

"Hey!" Olivia stopped her, "How you feel isn't stupid, and you shouldn't be ashamed to talk about how you feel, especially not with me,"

"No," Amanda said, and her voice broke on a sob, "Especially _with_ you,"

"What?" Olivia sat back and removed her arm from around Amanda. She was at a complete loss as to where Amanda was coming from.

Amanda looked up quickly into Olivia's face at the withdrawal of her physical contact, and a look of desperation crossed her tear stained features for a second before she dropped her head back down and dissolved into another round of sobs, which came a little louder and harder than the first time.

"Ok," Olivia said, alarmed, and she leaned her arm around Amanda's shoulders again, taking a guess that as Amanda's distress had heightened when she had let go of her, it might diminish again should she hold her once more. It was a theory that flew in the face of everything she thought she knew of the woman before her, but she figured she was correct when this time Amanda's arm wrapped around her waist in response, "I've got you," Olivia comforted, and she rested her forehead against the side of Amanda's head, her lips mere inches from Amanda's ear, "Shh," she soothed, "It's ok, honey, I've got you," she repeated.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda cried, "Please don't be angry with me, I just can't handle it right now."

"I'm not angry with you," Olivia countered immediately, "I'm sorry if you thought I let go of you because I'm angry – I'm not. I'm just really confused here - you need to give me a little more information to work with, because from what you've said, you saying you're ashamed to tell me specifically how you feel?" Olivia sighed when Amanda didn't answer her, "Shh," she shushed Amanda again when she continued to cry. She needed to calm her down a little bit, because the people on the nearest table to them had started to stare from time to time, and if Amanda realised she would be up and out of there so fast, and they would lose all opportunity to explore whatever this was further.

"I am ashamed of what I told you- that I said it to you," Amanda finally said, when she had managed to compose herself a bit, "This is why I don't tell people things…it never ends well-"

"But why?" Olivia implored, "Why're you ashamed of what you told me?"

"Because you think I'm wrong," Amanda said quietly, "Because I blame my mother…because I believe she made a choice," Amanda reached forward and with her free hand picked up a napkin from the table to wipe beneath her eyes, "I believe she was at fault, and you believe she was a victim…and I guess I feel pretty shitty about it, the more I think about it."

"Oh, Amanda," Olivia sighed sympathetically, "You have every right to feel whatever it is you feel, and you don't have to justify that to anyone," Olivia squeezed her tighter for emphasis, "Your mother _was _a victim, Amanda, but so were you," she reiterated from earlier. "You were a child, you were powerless, and you had every right to expect your mother to protect you - to have removed you and your sister from dangerous situations. The fact she didn't and that role of protector fell to you wasn't right or fair, and you have every right to be angry at that."

"Do you think it clouds my judgement?" Amanda asked candidly, suddenly calm, "You, Carisi – even Fin. You all saw a victim in Annabeth Pearl. I didn't."

"I think…" Olivia hesitated, "I think that it is good to have different perspectives on situations. And like you said, it isn't for us to read between the lines anyway. Our job is to tell the truth on the stand, and then we leave the jury to do their job – you said this, Amanda. And you were right. Why're the U-turn now?"

Amanda pulled away from Olivia and leaned back into the couch. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"My respect for you…your opinion of me matters," she said, "I know I pretend I don't care what anyone thinks, but I do," she admitted, "And I got angry with myself for saying all that stuff…I got angry that all that stuff that I hate – hate thinking about and talking about – would make you think less of me as a detective. And less of me as a person," she added, then she looked to Olivia the way Olivia had looked at Amanda earlier: expectantly, and awaiting a response.

"Amanda," Olivia sighed sympathetically, and she reached out to touch Amanda's folded arms. She tugged on the outer one in an attempt to unfurl the other woman, in an attempt to help bring her guard down, "I don't think any less of you," she stared hard into Amanda's blue eyes to convey her point, but Amanda looked away, "Do I think you've been through a lot of horrible things which have shaped your viewpoint? Yes. But you know what that makes me think of you? Amanda?" Olivia nudged her arm again to make Amanda look back at her, and when she had Amanda's full attention, she said "I think it makes you _better_," she emphasised, "Because you know what it is to be hurt, to be afraid, to have all of your control removed from a situation," Olivia treaded carefully now, when she realised her last sentence could be construed as straying away from the subject of Amanda's childhood, as it was equally applicable to other trauma – trauma about which Amanda may be even less forthcoming. She saw a flash of something that could be described as a warning in Amanda's eyes. "I see you, Amanda," Olivia said, simply, "I see who you are. You have nothing to worry about, ok?"

Amanda nodded, but her lip trembled with a surge of emotion at Olivia's words.

"Why don't you come back to my place for dinner?" Olivia offered, glancing up at the clock situated on the wall above the coffee machine. She was really running late now, and would surely have at least one missed call on her phone from Lucy. But she was worried about leaving Amanda like this. "We can pick up Jesse and Billie on the way?"

"No…I shouldn't, the last thing Jesse needs is a late night," Amanda explained, and she rubbed her hands over her face, as if she could rub out the tears she had shed, "I'm working on getting her back into her bedtime routine. I've let it slide since Billie was born, and she's up 'till all hours of the night right now. Then she's cranky as hell throughout the day – I need to get a handle on it before my sitter walks out on me."

"Ok," Olivia was not ecstatic at the idea of going their separate ways, but she could not really argue with Amanda's reasoning. She figured the girls would keep their mother distracted enough for the evening that hopefully there would not be too much time to dwell on the intensity of the day just passed.

Amanda looked a little more herself as she put on her coat and swung her giant blue bag over her shoulder. Had their conversations this afternoon not been so serious she could have found time to laugh at the size of it, and at how much food Amanda had squirreled away in there to get her through the (usually) boring, endless hours they spent sat around idling time away before court. By the time the two women made it out onto the street, Olivia had persuaded herself that Amanda would be ok. She had survived worse than today, after all.

"Call me later if you need," Olivia offered, before they split.

"I will," Amanda smiled at her, and she turned to leave in the opposite direction to Olivia.

"Amanda – " Olivia reached out and grabbed the other woman's arm before she could walk away. Olivia pulled her back towards her, and in a gesture that came as much as a shock to her as it did Amanda, she threw her arms around her and held her tight, hugged her fiercely.

For a few seconds Amanda was rigid against her in surprise, a shocked, "Oh," escaped her lips at suddenly being shunted in the opposing direction to the one she had set out to. But after a moment, Amanda relaxed against Olivia, and she wound her arms around Olivia's back in reciprocation. Olivia closed her eyes as she breathed Amanda in, her nose buried amidst blonde, strawberry scented hair. She felt Amanda press her face against her shoulder.

"Thank you, Liv," Amanda whispered.

"You're welcome, Amanda," Olivia said, and as she pulled away and stepped back from Amanda, she kept hold of one of her hands and squeezed, "Promise you'll call if you need to?"

"Promise," Amanda nodded, and she gave Olivia's hand a squeeze in return before letting go.

"Well, good luck with Jesse!" Olivia jibed, in an attempt to lighten things up.

"Oh god," Amanda groaned as she turned to leave, "Don't. I'll be calling you to come save me sometime around midnight."

"Anytime. Good night, Amanda," Olivia said, as Amanda began to walk away again.

"Good night, Liv," Amanda shouted back over her shoulder with a smile, before being swallowed up in the crowd of people hurrying along the sidewalk.

Olivia felt a buzz from her coat pocket, and she pulled out her vibrating iPhone.

"Lucy, I'm so sorry," she said, by way of a hello, as she hurried back towards the courthouse car park. She fished her keys out of the depths of her purse as she went, "Yeah – tell Noah I'm on my way now."


End file.
